Without sun, the moon grows

I woke damp for the third night this week--the air sweating the rain back onto my sheets and making them cold against me as the clock buzzed by my head. I rolled over and scratched his back gratefully. A few stray kisses, and then padded past the bouncing, tin-drumming downpour to the kitchen.

He asked me sometime later if I noticed a change in my mood when I am pre-menstrual. "Am I pre-menstrual?" I countered. I told him I couldn't smile as well when it was rainy. I told him that another summer like this one would drive me to move away from here--it was too hard to be me when the sun is away. And, I am gaining weight by the day! The truth is, I know I use food to replace warmth. Warmth, in all degrees. I imagine my body opening up like the hungry mouth of a baby bird looking for sun but getting blueberries and melted cheese and noodles instead. Fed all day, nothing gives satisfaction, or peace, or energy. How I miss the sun!

And still my life is so burdenless compared to the lot to many pulled! I will myself to stay aware oif where I live--what I eat--how mundane and inaffectual my tribulations are. My friends are mostly well, my family is so cared for--my work continues, the days pass unmarred and I am lucky. There is no sun, but I am lucky.

At least I can say that.