Take the last Train

T is officially not my baby any longer. He has been moved to his new foster home--awaiting their adoption of him, which they are very glad to be able to do. I cried and cried the first few days--had that hollow and empty feeling with his room so neatly still put together--his things in their same place (the ones I did not pack and send along) and his spirit still lingering in the corners--a toy here, wipes container in my bag--his spoon still in the drawer... I cleaned out the bathtub yesterday--after nearly 9 months of baby toys in the tub with us when we showered, it's now clean and very uncluttered. The mornings have been more noisy--no need to stay quiet when we all awake at 6 anymore. The evenings have been more spontaneous, and later. I feel under-challenged at work--it feels so really really easy right now....everything has time to be done. Truly, I don't like it at all!

When there are those moments of my life that I don't feel rushed or hectic or burdened I feel somewhat lost. I feel I am under-paying the universe. God gave so much, and yet here I am--enjoying, resting, coping and feeling the ease of my labors? Doesn't feel fair in the least, does it? Well for me, it seems a loss of my talent. I am not sure when or if I will have another foster placement in the near future. I feel I need a break--but also know that the first call for a mommy needed for some little one will pull my heart back into 'drive' and I'll be there with my arms open.

It boils down to a need to have the approval of the Spirit. To have every creature of the earth appreciating the benefits of my labors. Of course this cannot be. But, as we are so connected--if we truly care for each other---and do it well--and each of us stays as committed to serving others as the one who has served us, won't we eventually touch every creature? Won't every last soul be blessed by charity?

I love T. I love him with the whole of my heart. I will care for him, lookout for him, include him in my thoughts, prayers, holidays and such for the rest of his life (as long as new mommies will let me) because it feeds HIM, and it feeds me. If you ever doubt your place in the world--or what influence one person can truly make just remember...Thomas was a two year old toddler with special needs, and in 9 months he changed my life and the lives of my children forever. The influence will feed the roots of our beings for the eternities. And being so, it would be impossible for you to be even less in the world. You are an amazing source in the universe and don't doubt it.

Live today like you are! Be amazing today for someone!

i love u t.