Being one part of a two makes for a better whole

Sometimes I don't feel good enough--okay, so much of the time I don't feel that way---and I know I have only myself to blame. I struggle against a very real desire to extend myself to my last thread over and over to 'pay for' the life I have been given. I watch myself fall short of the expectations I have for what I want to be for everyone and I feel the burden of knowing others are seeing me as less than 'together to the 9s." I see all the ways I want to improve my house, my lifestyle, my personality--my abiilty to serve and I can feel so suddenly the weight of my imperfections. I can spend hours thinking of ways I want to change--things I want to find time to do. I want to play tennis with A--I should buy weights--a whole bench even, and get D involved. I need to get the basement cleared out...REALLY cleared out...and then organized and painted and get Lola a crate to stay in so she's not pooing up the basement, and I dont have to lay bleach down there twice a day (when did I begin thinking that was just how it was going to be having a dog, and that it's okay?) The crate will be over $100.00 but its better than the crap I deal with down there every single day. Sometimes I realize my choices don't make much sense--the way I avoid spending for certain things (healthcare, the animals, etc) but willingly spend for others (dinners out, ordering in, movies, a new deck!). I can really feel the weight of that sometimes-- and I can really feel myself slip out from the expectation I have for myself for who I want to be and WHO I AM.


I try to ask myself often what I want from the moment I am in. Am I doing/getting enough/ encouraging or lifting up others enough. What it all brings me to is that at the end, and the beginning, I want to be one part of a two. Because I have felt the voids of where my talents end, (and I am lost to get that last leap to where I want to be for my family alone) I want to be one part of a two. I know that God has put us on the planet to be coupled one to the other. Not because he does not believe in what we can be alone--but because he knows how much better we can be together. I want to simplify my life--I feel too tied down to the things (the literal THINGS in many ways) I have kept around me. I want to organize and be better prepared for the family I have--so that I can contribute more meaningfully to THEM and feel less burdened by what I am not/have not/left-out when I am with them. I love serving my family---those moments are so so happy for me! I don't want to be distracted by my own guilt. I don't want to shudder when someone opens a drawer or a door to somewhere that needs to be cleaned out. I want to accept the love I have around me, and not be distracted by where I have stopped in my yardwork, or my housework.



I know I have to get all those things done--and I know a good feeling of "wow, that needs to be finished" will help me keep those things from getting out of hand (those unfinished ghosts of being a homeowner with a large family as a single parent) and that is a GOOD thing....BUT, (phew!) I am working on perspective. I am not perfect, and I don't really want anyone to think I am even close. I just want to be seen as someone who's given their all, and at the end of the day know I can't take any of this with me--so I better be leaving a better legacy than just a clean and tidy house.



That's just what I am thinkin'.