grinning

Last night, I was smiled at. It wasn't an ordinary,"hey there you" smile. No, No, it was an "I am so happy to be with you, looking at you, benefiting from you, growing and giving to you" smile. It was amazing.

I felt loved. A "this is what I choose, not what I am stuck with" love.

Yeah, it was that good.


I don't know why He does it, but I know that God answers my prayers. It is not because of my religious affiliation, or because of my expressions of faith (they are certainly not much, after all.) It is not because I am especially worthy, or needy, or even lost. I can't say WHY....but He does. He listens to me with the kind of ear I wish I had for the ones I love. He listens to what I ask for, and what I leave out. He gives me exactly what I need, when I ask for something of good for the ones I love most--and he gives me exactly what I need, when I forget to ask for something of good for me. He answers my prayers by letting me rise and fall....letting me be well, and sick; thin and fatter. He answers my prayers by giving me silence and by sending me loudspeaker answers over the noise of the world around me. He finds me in foreign churches, in large crowds, and in the narrow silences of my private moments and speaks to me--speaks to my needs. I know that He is. I have no doubts.

I have thought about my uncle in Heaven. He's been there since last Friday. I can smile at his perfected body--or at least, his body without cancer or age or stress. I smile at him seeing his parents again after so many many years. I smile knowing he probably said, "Well what do you know! This is slick as S#*@!" And I miss him for not being there to see that! How great it would be to be able to see the ones we love have THAT moment! Maybe that will be our rewards when it is our turn to be in heaven, and our turn to see our own family come to join US! Will we laugh at their wonder? Will we smile at their disbelief? Will we delight and telling them, "Yes, it is THIS good!"? I can only guess--but it's wonderful to leave my heart THERE--letting Marvin have that moment in my own imagination--that "slick as S#*! moment. I am so sure he worried about his sweetheart. I am sure he said a prayer for her--maybe still is. I want to believe love transcends those two worlds--and can be kept alive even after the souls depart.

Its the only thing that makes loving here make any sense. OR, the dying in love part.

Seeing Joe's smile, I was overwhelmed with my own desire to die in love. I whispered to him, "Let me be there for you until the last." I was Thinking of Mary holding Marvin's hand for 3 weeks straight (with only a 3 hour reprieve)--and I was overwhelmed with my own desire to take their truth and put it in my own life. How much more the experience of heaven must have meant with her hand in his as he slackened away! And if Joe were to die before me....how much more wonderful would my own life be once Joe is gone if I can offer him that, too?! Maybe it is me trying to honor one of the few truly good, Godly and valliant examples in my family....or maybe it is the power of that smile......but....

Gosh, it was a good one--and it has planted in me a new seed of eternity.