March 15, 2008

ON March 15th I sent out this email to my family and friends. I thought I would post it here, even though its old news...because its been something I have been thinking about again....(maybe because Ren just got her new cell phone and cell plan for the RUMOR....and I just ordered my first NEW laptop....maybe that's it?) Either way, I thought I needed to keep all my thoughts in one place. Sorry if that makes my posts out of order for you all....just trying to mix you up a bit!!

I opened up my email this morning...to browse the 'junk mail' in my box. In scanning the message lines, it struck me quite strongly what I have felt unwittingly influencing many of my thoughts and actions. I read:

This weekend only, take $5 off your order
Make Your computer run faster, like new
Flush up to 20 pounds off your body, FAST!
80% off printer ink, order now

I have spent the last few weeks feeling like I am trying to outrun "urgent" thoughts. My close friends know I have expressed 'urgent' needs to settle things in my mind, again and again. Fed by inquiries from work about summer plans; tryng to help my daughter plan her 4-years at high school in one open-house night, and oh yes, trying to feel something concrete about my love-life I have discovered I am not one who likes to dive in and rush, but have certainly fallen vicitim to the world's suggestions that I should. Indeed, I have adopted that sense of urgency in my own life, despite the fact its contrary to my inner-self.---my authentic self.

I felt inspired about a month ago to determine a course of action to becomming a better communicator. At the time, I did it from a misguided notion I needed to be better able to communicate with OTHERS...now, in reading, I am coming closer to undestanding that it was an incongruity in my inner-dialogue and outer-expression that was to blame. Just as my in-box seemed to be shouting at me this morning to ACT NOW, my pjs and unwashed hair at 9am on Saturday seem to suggest I am in no way ready to act on these impulses to go, go, go I THINK I am feeling, and that I don't want to.

I have found that the more pressure (real or otherwise) I feel to be sure about anything, (to buy-into anything, to aquire or change or commit to, to spend or give-up on....) the more I find it hard to listen. In my life, I have noticed that the more I am multi-tasking, over-booked or over-used the less I am able to hear. Let me offer an example.
"Mom,"
"What?"
"Mom,"
"What?"
"Mom. Mom. Mom."
"Whaaaaaaaaaat? Gosh Jonah, you've said Mom, Mom, Mom and nothing more. Do you have a question, or are you just practicing calling me?"
"Nevermind. I've got it."


This was a conversation I had with Jonah yesterday not long after he was home from school. I had a baby on my hip, two hungry toddlers in need of an urgent granola bar and a very real desire to be talking on the phone with a grown-up. I was highly away from my authentic self at the moment. It wasn't until hours later (the end of work, the sleeping sounds of the toddler and the soft lull of the dishwasher as my new surroundings) that I realized...(was really able to LISTEN to Jonah)...what I had been missing. Jonah, in his 7 year old wisdom was trying to bring me into a moment with him. He could sense somehow I was not really listening, even though I had acknowledged him dutifully with a "what?" (I hear you) respone. He knew I was not ready to hear him, even though I had suggested I was. Out of the mouths of Babes! I know that in my life, I have tried to urge others to truly hear me. Not liste n to the words, but hear what I am saying and the emotions behind what I am saying. Sometimes I try this (much to the frustrated annoyance of many of my family and friends) with silence. I am a killer at saying,
"Can I ask you something (sigh)?"
"Yes?" (expectation for a question to follow)
(excruciating long pause to follow, meant to be translated by my obviously clarvoyant family and friends as, "I have something very important to me I want to ask you, and need to know you are ready to listen to my words and why I feel compelled to use them right now. You hearing me is the most important thing in the world right now, and if you aren't ready, I dont want to put myself out there to do it and be misunderstood...is now an okay time?")
"(sigh)".

So many times we try to push ahead listening, when we are not ready to hear and we seek others listening without the ability to forewarn them that we need them to "hear with the third ear" (not just what we are asking, but WHY as well.) It reminds me of the saying, "Speak slowly so you can be heard." And its sometimes forgotten but implied cousin, "Listen slowly, so you can hear." The more I process why we do what we do when we try to connect and communicate with others, the more I feel the importance of understanding our own ownership toward its failings. We are all living in this same world. Keeping up with the Jones' and being warned to "ACT NOW!" is weighing down on all of us. Some of us, simply, are just better at putting that off. Some of us are just better (I am not including me in this us!) at seeing how urgency to respond and SEEM responsive is no replacement for actually being a c areful responder, and therefore a careful listener (to others, and to our own needs or fears when we act in a certain way).

As I continue to ponder and puzzle through this new revelation to me, I welcome your imput. Clearly I have a lot to understand in this area, and am grateful to all the examples of my failures I am seeing. I see how the world around me is encouraging my sense to ACT NOW, GET NOW, SETTLE NOW, and how my own life and my tendency to multi-task (Dani-task as I like to think of it) feeds into THAT, but acts against what is my authentic need....to be heard and understood...to do, because it is right for me and not just because it is right IN FRONT of me.

Don't get me wrong, however. I feel very very blessed by many things that ARE right in front of me and know they are there for the right reasons. Sometimes I will stop and ask, "Am I looking at this truly for what it is, or what it REPRESENTS?" "Am I in the right moment?" "Am I ready to listen when I acknowledge the words of the ones I love talking to me?" For me, its beginning to make all the difference in the world to do so....

Well, thats the most revelation I have for me today. Go ahead and shake your head...knowing you, you know this already! Of course you do. Thats why I love you....and need you. As I puzzle through being the best I can be, I use the energy of those who know to help me along the way. I am grateful for you. Thank you!

ohh, and thanks for listening.....