Thoughts on Happiness

I was recently blown away by the jailed mother of my foster baby telling me (after just moments ago being unshackled) how happy she was...the happiest she had been in her whole life in fact. I had been spending a few days considering punishment before I had seen her, and the comment took me by surprise completely. It was a very humbling experience to go see Teresa at the courthouse, seated by a sheriff in the corner. In her jail-issued orange jumpsuit, with her long hair carefully combed and straight, she had one of the biggest smiles I had ever seen on her face. Granted, it wasn't for me. Her baby Thomas was being led into the room in front of me by his social worker. And yet, I felt her joy! As we sat and chatted, she wiped away tears explaining how good she really felt. She had been working on her GED and participating in AA and group therapy as well as parenting classes. "You hair looks really good" the social worker commented. Teresa explained that she was finally able to focus on herself and for the first time in her life not worry about what tomorrow would bring. "Tomorrow will be like two days ago, and the next day the same as that," she explained. "That's a load off my shoulders from before I came here. I never knew what was happening next, and I stop caring to get myself ready for it." The jailed and happy mother of my foster baby really pulled together my thoughts on happiness. We truly do make our own joy.

I say this, and yet I realize how often I have fallen victim to the curse of blame. I have complained how this person MADE me MAD, or that person MADE me mournful. I have chastised my children for MAKING an event difficult, and have countless times heard my children tell each other, "You ruined me day! You ruin my life!" While my children don't really think their lives are unsavable because their brother just broke off the wing of their "super cool lego fighterplane robot comboman" I can think of a thousand times I felt that blaming someone or something for my unhappiness would somehow justify my mood. But, it doesn't does it? It's my job to see the joy in my life and my relationships, and NOT the job of anyone else in my life to MAKE me happy. taking away everyone else, and everything else, my happiness is still there with me as a companion to carry, or to leave behind.

So why am I reflecting on this today? Because I have a tendency to ask people if they are happy. And, in pondering this for a few days and weeks I am realizing that what I mean is, "I want you to be happy because of what I have given you." I think of it this way.....

An orange is left on your doorstep. Just one slightly oval-shaped yellowish piece of fruit. On it is a note, "From your neighbor." How do you feel about the orange? Maybe, that's strange or I wonder what they want, or even, maybe this is a trick so I better not eat it. Nothing too horribly positive you must admit. But, what if the identical orange had a note from a celebrity, with a photo of him putting it there (to confirm the identity of the giver). Certainly it would seem like the gift of a lifetime! How lucky would you feel! How would you cherish the orange and the giver for his gift?

Finally, what if the orange was from a loved one? Someone you was desperately trying to make a lasting relationship with--a husband or wife, girlfriend or boyfriend? And what if the orange was left on your birthday or anniversary? How likely is it that you would bel flooded with feelings of being sooooooo lucky!? Probably you would be thinking, "Don't they love me?" or "Is s/he joking? Surely there is something better they are going to give me later!"

The gift is the same, so what is the difference? Surely, the expectation that lovers should be paying toward your happiness while neighbors or celebrities should not. We perceive that they should MAKE us happy, and additionally they should be happy because of what we GIVE. Thats the danger in perception!

Awhile back, newlyweds Jack and Marie were driving in the car on their way from Fort Orange Florida to Bangor Maine. They had broken up the trip, so it was day three of automotive togetherness and it was beginning to show. To entertain themselves they had been amusing themselves with a road map. Marie would tell the names of attractions they would soon be passing, and Jack would look for road signs to see how far until they got there. It was a great game until they got to the New Hampshire boarder with Maine. "We will cross the pisquata river," Marie told Jack.
"I think it's pronounced Pessekattica."
"No, I'm sure it's Pisseataqua," insisted Marie, "I heard about it on NPR once."
The couple bickered and bickered for a few more miles about how one or the other could not appropriately sound-out consonants or vowel blends. Finally, once they reached the river, Jack pulled over and the couple headed inside a restaurant to settle the question.
"Excuse me, "Jack said to the young man taking orders, "My wife and I have been arguing for a few miles about how to pronounce where we were headed. Can you very careful please tell us how you say the name of this place."
The young man leaned in close to the couple and very slowly said. "Burrrr-gerrrrr-KiNG!"

Clearly, in this case, Marie and Jack forgot their positive thoughts and let their circumstances get the better of their ability to get along. Their need to "right fight" right then skewed their sense that what they were arguing about was really a nothing. They lost perception, which the restaurant worker made all the more clear. His perception of their difficulties and theirs was quite different, and neither made the situation "solved."

When I first heard this story, my thought was, "At least they were only arguing about the map!" How many of us let our resentment or self-pity get the better of us and lead us to personal attacks? How many of us blame others or our circumstances on our unhappiness? When we are unhappy, grouchy, irritated, late or under-productive we want a REASON to BLAME. Often, its easier to look outside than in--we all know that! But how about with our happiness? It's sweet at first thought to think that we are happy because of our loved ones or our circumstances but what do we do when those people or circumstances change or fade? Doom ourselves to depression or blame? It reminds me of Mary and Joseph looking for that Inn in Bethlehem. I think of Mary and Joseph in comparioson to Jack and Marie. Traveling, weary, tired and perhaps irritated by each other as their only company Mary and Joseph seem at first glance much like their modern counterparts. I think of the stress they were under, and the difficulties of their trip. I think of Mary being told by Joseph there were no Inns available to them that night. How she must have felt?! I could see Marie in the same situation (newly wed, long journey) wondering if Jack REALLY tried (well, did you go over to THAT one? How about THAT one over there?). She might have wondered if Jack was punishing her for her remarks earlier in the trip, or maybe even if he REALLY loved her (If he loved me, he would have been more careful with the directions and not have gone the way he went. That last turn added 30 miles to our trip and if we had been earlier we might have found a room!) ?! But, we know the story of Mary and Joseph. They were disappointed, both of them--and acknowledged this without blame. They took the next best thing, and made the best of it, and they were rewarded with the birth of their son. the son of God. Would we feel differently about the blessed event if Mary and Joseph had a different experience? Would the happiness of the birth FEEL different if Joseph had left Mary behind out of frustration--or if they argued right up to the birth? What if Mary would not look Joseph in the eye, but just told him "You ALWAYS do this! No, no, it's FINE. I'll just cope." Can you see yourself--have you ever yourself ever felt this way when someone changed something in your plans or your expectations? I know I have! And, I know that spending time thinking of the stories in the scriptures--Mary and Joseph namely--as well as the couples of today can help me refine my expectations for myself and my relationships. As I come to realize that I want others to be happy because of my offerings I come to understand more and more that I can't and shouldn't expect that. My happiness is my own responsibility and I am not responsible if my loved ones are unhappy. No matter whom I love, or who loves me--no matter what the turns of life or blessings I receive or are denied, I am in charge of my own joy because I alone choose how I react to it. The next time I sink with disappointment because one of my children does this, or a loved-one forgets to to that--I'll do my best to remember that Joseph didn't book up all the Inns in Bethlehem and Mary didn't have anything to forgive him for.

And, they were happy.